Seeking Asylum
by kamikumai
Summary: Sam works through some issues. Like why Dean never says ‘I love you,’ anymore. Set during the episode ‘Asylum,’ from season one, a missing scene of sorts. Warnings: Mild discussion regarding W incest, and uh, dialogue style fic?


**Word from the Author:** Dunno how this happened. It just did.

**Disclaimer: **Mine, you say? 'Fraid not.

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**Seeking Asylum  
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"Sam. Let's cut the bull, shall we? You're avoiding the subject."

"…What subject?"

"You. Now, I'll make you a deal. I'll tell you all about the Roosevelt riot, if you tell me something honest about yourself. Like, this brother you're road-tripping with, how do you feel about him?"

"How do I feel about him?"

"That's what I said."

"Uh, well. He's my brother."

"So you've said. Is he older or younger than you?"

"Older. Older, but not necessarily more mature."

"And what makes you say that?"

"He, he just. I don't know. It's just that he's always goofing off or making wise-cracks. Or better yet, inappropriate jokes at _the_ most inappropriate times."

"And you disapprove of such behaviour."

"Well, yes. I suppose. You'd think he could at least try to be a bit more serious from time to time. I mean, sure, I get that life should be lived and enjoyed, each day seized as if it were the last and all that, but where's the fun if it's _all_ fun and games. If you know what I mean?"

"I think I understand where you're coming from. Without contrast, without both the ups and downs in life, all we have is stagnation, even if it's supposedly all 'fun and games.'"

"That's it _exactly_. And you know what's worse? Whenever _I_ try to be serious about something, all it gets me is 'don't be such a girl, Sammy,' or 'you're not having a chick flick moment, are you?' How would _you_ feel if that's what you got every time you tried to express yourself emotionally, huh?"

"Those are quite interesting reactions. Why do _you_ think your brother reacts that way?"

"Oh. I—I've never really thought about it."

"It's quite common not to. A lot of the time we simply accept certain people reacting in certain ways, and after some time, it becomes so common place for us that we may even expect such a reaction so much so that we're surprised if a certain person does _otherwise_. In your brother's case, can you imagine him doing anything other than what he does? When you 'try to express yourself emotionally,' as you put it?"

"Not so much… no. I might even think I wasn't speaking to him."

"In a 'who are you and what have you done with my brother' sort of way, I take it?"

"Ah, yeah. That's, uh, that's exactly what I meant."

"I see. Would you prefer for him to act differently? Because I know that sometimes we complain about certain circumstances or certain things, but at the heart of it all, we don't _really_ want them to change; sometimes even because we're simply afraid of what that change would mean, or how we, ourselves, would need to change in response to it."

"I guess the thing is, I don't really _expect_ him to change, if you get what I mean? And you're right; I don't really want him to. It's just the thought of having him act as if he cared… I just think, that'd be nice."

"Do you mean to say you don't feel as if he does care? And that by acting as if he did, it would somehow make you feel better?"

"_No_. No, not at all; he cares. _And_ he shows it. It's just that… well, he just never _says_ it, if he can avoid it. Which he usually does. I just want him to tell me he loves me."

"Do you tell him you love him?"

"I—I don't feel as though I can."

"By which you mean you feel that if you did, he'd not respond as positively as you'd like."

"…Yeah."

"Before I ask you this, and you need not answer if you feel uncomfortable doing so, I'd like you to know that this session will be kept in complete confidentiality. That said, I want you to tell me what you imagine would be the ideal reaction from your brother were you to confess your feelings to him."

"_My_—I don't—it's not…"

"As I just said, Sam, if you feel at all uncomfortable, all you need to do is change the subject and we shall continue from there."

"Okay. Yeah. Okay. Well, I'd want him to tell me he loves me, too. Of course."

"Yes. It _is_ only natural when we love someone for us to wish for them to love us in return."

"And I'd want this…"

"…"

"…"

"You'd want this…?"

"…Well, because he used to, you know, tell me he loved me. When we were kids."

"I see. So, what changed?"

"What do you think? We got older. _He_ got older."

"But no more mature."

"_Ha_. Yeah…"

"And then?"

"And then, suddenly, he just stopped."

"Did you continue to tell him you loved him?"

"I guess, for awhile I did. It's only, he didn't just stop saying it, it was about then that he started reacting badly to it. Telling me to shut up about it, and to not be such a girl. Like I said before. And so, I suppose, I gradually stopped saying it, too."

"It's hard to say something that someone you love doesn't want to hear, particularly if it's that you love them."

"Tell me about it."

"I'm going to be frank with you, Sam. Because I think that saying something like this aloud will help you to deal with it, alright?"

"Alright."

"When you say you love your brother. You don't just mean that you love him as a brother, do you?"

"You see, about that…"

"Do you generally align yourself with the gay community?"

"Uh, no. No. I, you know, like _girls_. No guys. Well, uh, no guys other than my brother, that is…."

"Would I be correct in assuming that your parents weren't around much during your childhood?"

"Yes. But it's not like it was their fault, Mum died not long after I was born. Dad had to work."

"I didn't mean to imply that it was. From a factual perspective however, it is the truth, no matter the circumstances leading up to it. Would you say that you interacted with others much growing up?"

"I can see where you're going with this, but yes, we _both_ did. We didn't stay long in one place, though. Our Dad had to move a lot for his work, and so even though we met lots of new people, kids our age and all that, fairly frequently, it was never for very long."

"Answer me this then, Sam, if you will. Who is the most important person in your life?"

"Dean."

"Dean?"

"That's my brother's name."

"I assumed as much. Does this fact bother you?"

"That my brother is the most important person in my life? No. Wait. _Should_ it?"

"Whether it should or not, is entirely subjective. If _you_ feel it should, then I suppose it should. But if it doesn't, then no, I'd say you shouldn't be bothered by it. Moreover, would you say that you're the most important person in your brother's life?"

"Other than Dad, I'd say so."

"Do you think this fact bothers your brother?"

"Uh, no? I mean, I don't see why it would, family's always come first."

"I see. Does the fact that you _love_ him bother you?"

"Sometimes, I guess. But it's mainly when I think how futile a dream it is."

"And what do you think makes it futile?"

"Maybe the fact that Dean doesn't feel the same way?"

"So, the fact that it would not be a socially acceptable relationship doesn't factor into your conception of its futility?"

"Oh, uh, that too. But, even so, it's not something I really need to think about, since I know it'll never be."

"Indeed. Does the _futility_ of it bother you?"

"Maybe. Yes. No. Actually, I don't think bother is the right word. Despite how wrong anyone might think it, if it could be, I wouldn't refuse it. But the fact that it can't… the entire premise rests upon what Dean wants. And since it's not me, not in that way anyway, it hurts, but it's nothing I'd actively try to change."

"So, what you're saying is, because you love him, you feel as though it's important to put his own needs and wants before your own, even though, as you say, 'it hurts.'"

"Isn't that how love usually works?"

"Touché. Admittedly, I don't know how equipped I am to give advice per se, regarding relationships, especially of this nature. But at the basest level, I get the feeling that maybe Dean stopped saying certain things in order to, how should I put this? Stop certain responses. By changing his own actions, he effectively changed your responses to them.

You've already established yourself, the rationale for this. First, that you love your brother. Second, that he is the most important person in your life. Third, because of your love for him, his wants and needs supersede your own. If you apply this set of logic to your brother's actions, what would _you_ say it tells you?"

"Oh, uh, okay. Well, first, first, I guess, working with the same structure, I'd say, I know my brother loves me, even though he stopped saying it. I also know from his actions, and omissions, that I am potentially, apart from Dad, the most important person in his life. If, if, as you suggested, he stopped saying it, and, uh, continued as he did by further taking measures to ensure that _I_ wouldn't want to say it either, then, uh, based on the third proposition, the meaning behind this would be that, for some reason, he thought it was to the benefit of my own wants and needs, above his own, to do so. Right?"

"Yes. It is one feasible theory consistent with the facts, and supported by a mindset that given your shared genetic predispositions and environmental conditions is likely to have been similarly held by your brother."

"So, what you're saying is…"

"I in no way condone or sanction any action which you might choose to take as a result of any apparent epiphanies apprehended by you during this or any other session you have had, or will have, with me."

"…Okay…"

"Sorry. Your file said you were studying law."

"Right. Uh, I think you're covered. But as you were saying, off the record…?"

"Off the record? I'd say you look like you've been having a hard time of things recently. And I'm sure there's plenty of other stuff that's happened that we simply didn't have the time to explore. The most pressing of those things did however seem to be your brother. And what I know now definitely explains why it appeared to be so. As far as advice goes, Sam, I'll say this.

Repressing only works so well, for so long. The more you repress, the more likely things are to spill over when you least want them to, if not explode entirely. As such, my advice to you would be, let some of it go. It might mean confrontation, but chances are your brother's been suffering the exact same way, and for quite possibly a fair while longer, if his sudden withdrawal of overt affection is any indication.

As you so aptly put it; older certainly, but not necessarily more mature."

"Yeah… Yeah. Thank you, Dr. Elliot."

"You're very welcome, Sam."

"Oh, and I'll, uh, try my best. Not to, you know, repress. And all that."

"It's all any of us can do, really."

"Yeah… I guess you're right."

"Hm. Oh, yes! I almost forget. As I promised; about the Roosevelt riot…"

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**Finis.**

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**Another Word from the Author: **I seriously don't know why I wrote this. I guess I was just feeling kinda... pretentious? : P


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